Ten Artists Who Should Not Release Their Upcoming Albums
The music world is a weird place, and a lot of unfortunate things happen there. As rumors circulate about various bands putting out new stuff, somebody needs to step in and let the music industry know when to stop. Here are ten artists who we wouldn’t have to deal with if we had some kind of gatekeeper.
1. Ashlee Simpson
She only really came into the public eye by coasting on the coattails of her older sister. After several instances of being publicly embarrassed and ridiculed, apparently she’s planning a third album of whiny, strained vocals on songs she couldn’t write without some help. That makes her either one of the stupidest, most desperate, or gutsiest celebrities I’ve ever heard of.
2. AC/DC
It’s now thirty-three years since their debut release, and these guys are still at it. By “it,” of course, I mean cranking out sub-par simplistic music driven by throaty vocals and repetitive riffs. I suppose their tendency to stick to their own sound for thirty years would be worthy of some respect if their sound were something particularly special.
3. Raven-Symone
The music business isn’t meant for everyone. After putting out three albums over the last fifteen years, each released to little fanfare, she’s trying it again. Perhaps that’s just how dedicated she is. But she should probably just stick to her more successful acting career. And maybe she should watch old episodes of The Cosby Show and get some acting lessons from her younger self.
4. Scarlett Johansson
Who is she kidding? The only reason people are going to buy her new album is because she shows some leg and some cleavage on the cover. Add that to the fact that ten of her eleven songs are Tom Waits covers, and you’ve got one of the more worthless CDs of the decade.
5. Black Sabbath
There is a recent trend of old bands reuniting and releasing new material for the first time in more than ten years. Black Sabbath is jumping on the bandwagon and trying to put out their first record in the last thirteen years. This is especially disappointing because for the last eleven years, Ozzy Osbourne has been their vocalist again, instead of the highly preferable Ronnie James Dio. With a little luck, however, the album may come from the closely-related, Dio-fronted band Heaven and Hell instead of the real Sabbath.
6. Whitesnake
Whitesnake is right there next to Sabbath on the bandwagon, as they are hoping to release their first studio effort in eleven years. Of course, they haven’t had a significant hit single since 1990, but I’m sure almost twenty years of nobody really caring won’t limit their chances of success. And for their sakes, I hope they realize that glam metal has kind of gone out of style since they were last popular.
7. Def Leppard
Speaking of glam metal, Def Leppard is hoping to make a return to original material after a cover album in 2006. But the band made a bizarre tactical error in recruiting country singer Tim McGraw to co-write and sing on their new album’s lead single. That kind of desperate lunacy speaks for itself.
8. Pussycat Dolls
Pussycat Dolls embody a litany of problems with modern music. Their music is an overproduced morass of dance beats, stolen riffs, breathy singing and too many “featured” guests, not to mention the fact that everything about the group, from their image to their lyrics, is calculated to sell records based on sex appeal. It would be a huge favor to the world if PCD just decided to stop making music.
9. Nicole Scherzinger
The only thing worse than a group like Pussycat Dolls is when that group grows an appendage and spawns a solo act. Nicole Scherzinger, lead singer for PCD, has cut an album on her own, although the release date hasn’t been determined. I’m not convinced she can make it on her own, as she’s only a fraction of the eye candy offered by Pussycat Dolls.
10. Rihanna
Rihanna is very possibly the most obnoxious musician active today. That’s all that needs to be said.