RockRoast

Love songs have long been a staple of rock music and many of its various subgenres. That is perhaps why it is so amusing to come across a rock song that seems to give the concept of love the proverbial middle finger. So after a bit of thought and a lot of lyric-reading, I’ve drawn up a list of what I consider to be the least romantic rock songs of all time.

10. Queensryche – Fear City Slide
The main character in the song is sitting there with a gun, contemplating suicide, when the ghost of his dead lover whispers, “Trigger…pull the trigger!” I’m sure the lyrics were meant to lead into a heartwarming reunion in the afterlife. But something about your lover trying to convince you to kill yourself seems a bit wrong.

9. Simon & Garfunkel – I Am a Rock
Somebody’s a little jaded. The narrator of the song hates laughter and loving and has apparently suppressed every kind of positive emotion for fear of being hurt. It’s a pretty bleak song, and not one you often hear a young lad using to serenade a young lass.

8. Muse – Time is Running Out
Don’t play this one during a candlelight dinner. It contains several potentially awkward lines like “I want to break this spell that you’ve created” and “I tried to give you up, but I’m addicted.” But wait for when it all culminates with “you will suck the life out of me.” I really hope that this song is about alcoholism or something, but the amount of personification of the unnamed thing the narrator is talking to worries me that this song really is about a relationship.

7. The Rolling Stones – Under My Thumb
From what I’m told, if you tell a woman you’ll suppress her personality, control her life and generally treat her like an object, she won’t melt like butter. Who knew?

6. The Guess Who – American Woman
So, he’s trying to get rid of this woman that he worries he’s irrationally attracted to. It’s not exactly romantic to begin with, but the icing on the cake is “I got more important things to do/Than spend my time growin’ old with you.” If that’s not a burn, I don’t know what is.

5. Nickelback – Someday
You know the guy’s committed when he promises to fix the relationship “someday…but not right now.” The beginning of the second verse cracks me up, too: “Well I hoped that since we’re here anyway/We could end up saying/Things we’ve always needed to say.” It’s like he’s hoping to patch things up whenever it’s convenient. And the use of “end up” instead of a more voluntary, motivated phrase is also amusing.

4. The Cars – You’re All I’ve Got Tonight
Under the guise of being an “I love you no matter what” song, the lyrics tell a completely different story. I felt like an idiot when I finally realized that the song was really saying, “You’re the best I can get right now, so…I guess I’ll take it.”

3. Porcupine Tree – The Start of Something Beautiful
It’s not exactly a love song to begin with, but when the chorus kicks in things go sour pretty quickly. The chorus contains one of the most casual, dispassionate let-downs of all time: “Innocent, the time we spent, forgot to mention we’re good friends.” That, followed by the cruel, “You thought it was the start of something beautiful? Well, think again” makes this song deliciously unromantic. Whoever the narrator was talking to just got emotionally destroyed.

2. Meat Loaf – Paradise by the Dashboard Light
After spending well over five minutes telling the story of two teenagers making love in a car, this song takes an ironic twist. The female character convinces the male character to promise to love her until the end of time. Immediately following that, the male character claims that he is “praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive,” because he can’t stand the woman anymore and he’s anxious to be free of her. That’s such a horrible thing to say that, quite honestly, it makes me laugh every time I hear it.

1. Violent Femmes – Ugly
It’s song about a guy who doesn’t like some ugly person. And to add insult to insult, singer Gordon Gano begins chanting and screaming “Ugly!” at the end of the song, just to make sure he got his message across properly.

How’s that for pillow talk?

The music world is a weird place, and a lot of unfortunate things happen there.  As rumors circulate about various bands putting out new stuff, somebody needs to step in and let the music industry know when to stop.  Here are ten artists who we wouldn’t have to deal with if we had some kind of gatekeeper.

 1.  Ashlee Simpson
She only really came into the public eye by coasting on the coattails of her older sister.  After several instances of being publicly embarrassed and ridiculed, apparently she’s planning a third album of whiny, strained vocals on songs she couldn’t write without some help.  That makes her either one of the stupidest, most desperate, or gutsiest celebrities I’ve ever heard of.

2.  AC/DC
It’s now thirty-three years since their debut release, and these guys are still at it.  By “it,” of course, I mean cranking out sub-par simplistic music driven by throaty vocals and repetitive riffs.  I suppose their tendency to stick to their own sound for thirty years would be worthy of some respect if their sound were something particularly special. 

3.  Raven-Symone
The music business isn’t meant for everyone.  After putting out three albums over the last fifteen years, each released to little fanfare, she’s trying it again.  Perhaps that’s just how dedicated she is.  But she should probably just stick to her more successful acting career.  And maybe she should watch old episodes of The Cosby Show and get some acting lessons from her younger self.

 4.  Scarlett Johansson
Who is she kidding?  The only reason people are going to buy her new album is because she shows some leg and some cleavage on the cover.  Add that to the fact that ten of her eleven songs are Tom Waits covers, and you’ve got one of the more worthless CDs of the decade.

5.  Black Sabbath
There is a recent trend of old bands reuniting and releasing new material for the first time in more than ten years.  Black Sabbath is jumping on the bandwagon and trying to put out their first record in the last thirteen years.  This is especially disappointing because for the last eleven years, Ozzy Osbourne has been their vocalist again, instead of the highly preferable Ronnie James Dio.  With a little luck, however, the album may come from the closely-related, Dio-fronted band Heaven and Hell instead of the real Sabbath.

6.  Whitesnake
Whitesnake is right there next to Sabbath on the bandwagon, as they are hoping to release their first studio effort in eleven years.  Of course, they haven’t had a significant hit single since 1990, but I’m sure almost twenty years of nobody really caring won’t limit their chances of success.  And for their sakes, I hope they realize that glam metal has kind of gone out of style since they were last popular.

7.  Def Leppard
Speaking of glam metal, Def Leppard is hoping to make a return to original material after a cover album in 2006.  But the band made a bizarre tactical error in recruiting country singer Tim McGraw to co-write and sing on their new album’s lead single.  That kind of desperate lunacy speaks for itself.

8. Pussycat Dolls
Pussycat Dolls embody a litany of problems with modern music.  Their music is an overproduced morass of dance beats, stolen riffs, breathy singing and too many “featured” guests, not to mention the fact that everything about the group, from their image to their lyrics, is calculated to sell records based on sex appeal.  It would be a huge favor to the world if PCD just decided to stop making music.

9.  Nicole Scherzinger
The only thing worse than a group like Pussycat Dolls is when that group grows an appendage and spawns a solo act.  Nicole Scherzinger, lead singer for PCD, has cut an album on her own, although the release date hasn’t been determined.  I’m not convinced she can make it on her own, as she’s only a fraction of the eye candy offered by Pussycat Dolls.

10.  Rihanna
Rihanna is very possibly the most obnoxious musician active today.  That’s all that needs to be said.

Ultima Ratio (2002)
Superior

Superior is a German progressive metal band that has seen very limited exposure outside of their home country. Ultima Ratio is easily the least progressive of their three releases, but it’s also the best.

Ultima Ratio is a concept album, following the journey of two men who start a religion based on rationalism and the mastery of emotion. Over the course of the album, their religion’s massive, worldwide success causes things to spiral out of control, and the two friends, seeing two different problems, plan different, drastic solutions. Complex and riveting, Ultima Ratio’s plot is by far my favorite storyline of any concept album.

The music is ingenious, too—there isn’t a weak song on the entire disc. Superior also maintains a good balance between unbridled aggression and calming beauty. The first song, “Ultra,” shows Superior’s dual-guitar attack at its best and immediately plunges the listener into the story. Later on, “Terror Fantasy” begins with a kind of joint guitar/keyboard riff that blows me away every time. And the final song, “Judgment Day,” is difficult not to sing along with. Throughout the record, Jan Becker’s keyboard work adds considerable depth to the sound. Meanwhile, Michael Tangermann croons, growls, whispers and perfectly matches every kind of feeling the music requires of him.

This is a fun album for Queensryche fans, too. It’s filled with little nuggets that briefly pay homage to Queensryche, especially to Operation: Mindcrime. Ultima Ratio avoids blatant ripoffs, however, and the whole album comes off as a brilliant achievement in musical expression and creativity.